“Girl, what do you think?”

“I don’t know, girl, what do you think?”

But even if you have a good Facade List and have been making consistent dating decisions based on it, there will come a time when you have to choose on a final copilot.

Blind Spot #3: Choice

What is a choice? They are your options. Chris Rock once said, “Men are only as faithful as their options.” And that can also be applied to selecting a copilot in life. 

Weighting Options: Selecting the Sure Bet

Because we know this decision is complex and important, we have to apply some sort of weight to each characteristic we want. You’re essentially weighting what the possibility of what the outcome will be:

The biggest issue is that weighting is not based on objective information. Again, there can be many different things that influence this rating, like preference or overestimation. Also, according to something called “prospect theory,” there’s a chance you will mess this all up (i.e. overweight “handsome” and underweight “physically fit” – possibly throw respect out the window). 

And there are other things that can affect how you move forward with a choice:

• Confidence: People use terms like “confidence” to describe uncertainty about their knowledge and terms like “likelihood” to describe their uncertainty about the world.” And whether or not they take action depends on their confidence. 

• Additional Choice: It throws off your original plan. If you only have 2 options, and then a 3rd enters, it may be the new shiny object but not the right one. 

• Loss Aversion: You hate losses more than you like possible gains. Should you hurry up and marry now instead of waiting for your prince charming?

All of this is really unfolding into a very complex problem. As a result, all of these things we’ve discussed rolls up into…

A Rushed Decision

All this lack of objective feedback makes it difficult to evaluate and update/refine your preferences, judgment, and choice abilities. Not to mention how much time all of this is taking. So you just get on with it and make a rushed decision.

(Photo by cindy baffour on Unsplash)

I brought in an expert on this subject – my mom. She was married for 48 years to my father until he passed. She attributes their long marriage to how much they knew each other prior to getting married. But speaking on her observation of others, she agrees with the “fools rush in” mistake and agrees that most people really don’t take the time to get to know their potential partner. Or fully examine what their potential blind spots could be. Then they get married to them and go through some stuff, and think, “Who is this guy?” 

Let’s go back to the couch. After reading this, do you know if that boyfriend sitting next to you is a kamikaze pilot for sure? Will you think, “Who is this guy?” in 2-3 years?

The Copilot Closer Solution

Part 1: Think Differently

Once one cycle is done – celebrate: Have a glass (or bottle) of wine for breaking out of your shell and moving towards life on your own terms! Continue this process for multiple cycles until it’s a Foundation List, which probably looks more like this:

Once you have a solid Foundation List, over time you’ll see how these characteristics play out over time:

• Intelligent -> he will make wise decisions

• Good Listener/Communication -> he will talk to you about fun things and tough stuff in a timely manner

• Mutual Respect for Each Other -> both of you will listen to each other’s perspectives without demeaning one another

• Financially Sound -> he will not invest in Ponzi schemes

• Drive & Ambition -> he has enough grit & desire to always make money

• Shared Goals in Life -> he will travel the world with you (if that’s what you want)

Part 2: Don’t Rush

When it comes to this process, take your time. Like with clinical tests, you cannot rush your trials. So don’t set up fake experiences to see how the other person reacts (despite what the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days tells you) to move things along quicker. Just let things happen naturally and then reflect upon your own feelings. Was it ok that he reacted that way to this situation? What if he did this for the next 50 years of our life? Would I be ok with that?

You have to take the time to get to know yourself and what you really want. It’ll be that much easier to close in on that copilot!

The Copilot Closer Success Rate

What’s the success rate for the Copilot Closer Solution? This inadvertently worked for me – so a trial of 1 + a marriage = a success rate of 100% (so far). 

And honestly, I lucked out with my husband because I didn’t rush through the decision. Not on purpose: I don’t like spending extended amounts of time with most people, which limited my dating experience. But even with limited dating experience, I created the time I needed to know what I really wanted. I unconsciously went through The Copilot Closer process. As a result, my Facade List at age of 25 turned into a Foundation List at 32 because of the time I took to refine it. And once I started to get to know my current husband, check-check-check. 

The Point Is This: 

When it comes to selecting a copilot for life, you need what’s best for you. And to know what that is, you have to know yourself by thinking differently than before. This decision is important because it can drastically affect your life. So don’t rush it. 

And one can argue this is just one of many systematic approaches. It could work for you. Or maybe it won’t (because I’m not an expert). My goal is for people to start thinking differently in life. Ultimately, as you go through this process you’ll learn there is no single strategy that will guarantee success for every person (this is true for a lot of things in life). But if you’re stuck doing the same thing and getting the same undesired results, The Copilot Closer Solution is at least worth a try because it will get you to think differently about a very important decision. As Tony Robbins says, “All growth starts at the end of your comfort zone.”